Write a dramatic chronicle of something that almost happened

My harmless almost-event was [ALMOST EVENT]. Write three versions: a 60-word epic chronicle, a 40-word witness statement, and a one-line factual account. Make the contrast funny without inventing injury, blame, or a real witness quotation. Use only details I supplied; mark any invented flourish as fiction. End with one question that would make the factual version more accurate. Check that the three versions describe the same core event and that the plain account strips out the exaggeration.